Dear 15-year-old me,
I know times have been tough for you. I know you haven’t felt yourself more often. There are days when you feel like being in someone else’s body just to know what it feels like to have the ‘perfect’ curves. The younger you still believe in the concept of perfection and that’s okay because we all were conditioned to think like that.
I know for a fact that you did not wear that slim-fit top not because you did not like it but because you were too afraid of what others might think of your ‘belly fat’. You did not wear that sleeveless dress on your birthday because you didn’t like how flabby your arms looked. But it’s okay not to be okay since your older self has been the one who understood your every move and is more generous towards you.
I still remember the day when our group of friends laughed at a guy who was wearing braces. We laughed and made fun of him endlessly on how he looked. I remember that you felt like a hypocrite later in the evening thinking about how what you did to him was so similar to what others did to you. But I’m also elated about the fact that at least you owned up to your mistakes which most people of your age escape from.
It has not been an easy ride for you, my dear. I understand. But what always kept you going was your dedication which your older self is still in awe of. I know how hard it was for you when you got to know that your best friend hates herself for having dark brown skin. You hated the fact that you couldn’t do anything while she was sobbing. But trust me you’ll be so proud of her in the next five years when you see her owning up to it like a boss and thinking of herself as being nothing less than Rihanna! Yes, it’s going to happen. Wait for it.
Another instance that your older self will always remember about you is how you and your gang just loved waking up at 6 every day, getting ready for school, not to study but just to get a glimpse of your ‘still-unforgettable’ crush at the other end of the corridor. Your older self is going to regret it every single day, the fact that you never even talked to him just because you thought you were not pretty, out of his league, were under-confident, and many more things that your peers made you believe in; that you’re just mediocre. Five years down the lane you’ll be surprised to know how outgoing you became and can literally talk to anyone for hours and won’t stop blabbering till the other person literally tells you to stop.
Aren’t you intrigued to know how this transformation will happen? It will not happen because your puberty hits you. Not at all, innocent girl. This is going to happen after a long span of the struggle between your mind and body and actually knowing that your 15-year-old was also precious and beautiful but you thought otherwise because you were conditioned to think that way.
I still wish you did not starve yourself and ate that chocolate sundae because honestly, you were perfect fit. I still wish that boys of your class did not think any less of themselves simply because they were too skinny. I still wish they were not trolled for not playing football and instead investing their time in baking. I still wish that we all could have been a little less judgemental.
While people your age witnessed the gloomy days, you’re going to be content when you see your male friends breaking stereotypes and pursuing fashion designing and your girl gang being hardcore fitness enthusiasts.
A piece of advice that no one but your older self wants to give to you is, always put yourself, your happiness, your goals, your dreams, and your desires before anyone else. We’re designed in such a way to let people think for us but at the end of the day, it’s you who is going to have to make efforts to change your life significantly.
Your older self understands that loving yourself just the way you are is not an easy process. It is a process full of pain, anxiety, fear, and distress but when you reach that stage of fulfillment, it’s all worth it. In near future, you’ll encounter all kinds of people, those who wish well for you and even those who just pretend to. Your older self does not always expect you to make wise decisions but what she expects is for you to learn from your mistakes and evolve as a better human being every time you get an opportunity to.
Hope is the only thing that the world survives on. Just because you had some horrifying experiences doesn’t mean that the innate goodness of people has become a thing of the past. Trust yourself with what you’re doing. There is not even a single beautiful destination to exist without a journey full of discomfort. Similar is the process of accepting and loving yourself. It can’t happen with ease. It’s meant to teach you to never give up on yourself.
Your 19-year-old self is also sticking to this same hope and that one day she’ll be able to fully accept herself and be aware of how precious she is. The process is not over, neither for you nor for your older self. It’s a long journey ahead and there’s still a lot more to conquer. You are going to be proud of yourself soon enough to realize that there is nothing you can’t do and that everybody is unique and blessed in their own way.
More power to you!
With Love,
Your 19-Year-Old Self
Author – Kashish Chadha, Illustrated by – Rishabh Aggarwal
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