There is a dark cloud above you, feeding on your insecurities, provoking them. Everything that is supposed to make you feel more feminine in the eyes of society is overshadowed by this cloud. The long, luscious hair that advertisements told you was an innate part of being a woman gives way to hair fall. The clear soft skin, unblemished and pure is replaced by acne that you were promised was just a teenage grievance. And even though, at first, the filling out of your curves was applauded by the society, objectified and leered at, has now become overweight, fat, unhealthy. The vines of PCOD wrap around your body, pulling you further into a journey that stems from a place of self-hatred. Every healthcare professional tells you the same thing: lose weight and you will be fine. But they seem to forget that somewhere along your mission to lose weight, you lost sight of why you were losing weight in the first place. Your health is not in the front row anymore, the need to contort yourself into the ideal beauty standard is.
But there is always a silver lining.
It is difficult to maintain a positive body image when you have PCOD. Often you lose sight of why you should lose weight: is it the external pressure? Is it your concern for your health? Or is it your desire to fit in? When there is a voice inside your head that tells you to lose weight, no matter whom that voice mimics, it tears down your body image slowly. Losing weight, when it comes from a place of hate, is not healthy. It leads to restricting yourself from enjoying the simple delights of eating the different flavors that might bring you joy. It leads to waiting for your skin to clear up, your hair to become fuller so that you can finally enjoy life the way that you want to.
We often forget that life does not wait for us. The earth does not feel our hurried footsteps and the rain does not fall so that we can dance in it. In your constant battle against PCOD, you forget to appreciate, love and live. Instead of eating a healthy diet that includes carbohydrates, you restrict yourself, which ultimately leads to a binge-eating session that leaves you feeling empty despite the amount of food you consume. Exercising towards a healthier lifestyle is overshadowed by excessive, incessant exercising. Weighing your worth and what you deserve to eat based on the number of scales.
When you learn to focus on your positive attributes, eat healthily but do not restrict yourself if you want to eat ice cream, thank your body for what it does. It becomes easier to see the silver lining, it becomes easier to be grateful. PCOD is temporary; the hair loss, the acne, and the weight gain will all go away with time and patience. The only thing that will not go away is the hatred that you have etched inside your body, the time that you have wasted feeling guilty and waiting for the moment when your body finally fits in.
Do not let PCOD stop you from living your life to the fullest, from treating yourself, from eating a piece of cake.
Honestly, it is not you, it is your ovaries. And it is time you stop punishing yourself.
Author – Leela Moza, Illustrated by – Harnoor Virdi
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